Page: 1/8
This website contains all the secrets of love, the opposite sex, and marriage. How do I know such secrets? Well, I recently traveled to Freiburg, Germany. As very few people know, this is where Cupid has his winter home. Cupid enjoys the fine skiing in Switzerland to the immediate south, but likes the lifestyle in Freiburg. One day I was riding the street car to my language school. I was walking toward the door to get off, but the driver of the street car suddenly hit the brakes due to a car breaking the traffic rules. Since I was not holding on to anything, I fell over and instinctively reached out and grabbed on to the nearest thing, which happened to be the dress of a large women who was standing next to me. The dress came off, but not to reveal a naked women (hi Google porn searchers!), but rather to collapse to the ground and reveal a little guy with wings.
Since I am a scientific minded man, I at once grabbed this creature, as surely it was a new species. I took it with me into the language college, downstairs where no one else was. The creature, to my amazement, began talking to me. It asked me in German what I planned to do with him. I responded in German, saying that my German wasn't good, and it would be much better if he could speak English (I pointed out that should be obvious, as I went into a language school!). So, the creature started talking in English. So, we had a conversation, and it turned out that he was none other than Cupid, the one who ties hearts together.
I thus asked him the secrets of the heart and I asked him why he had not revealed the secrets to other people. He said he attempted to reveal the secrets to others, but he had trouble setting up his website, as he was old and had not grown up in the computer age. I then informed him that I have made a few websites, and I would be happy to make a website on his behalf. He then began to share the secrets of love, which I now gladly share with you.
Remember, if any of the words I write upset you, they are not my words, but Cupid's. Blame him. If Cupid sounds like he's trying to be funny, but isn't, it's probably something lost in translation, as Cupid's primary language is the funny little language that only a few people speak in Switzerland, but is still an official language of the country. Cupid likes to talk to himself.
Please click the links below to continue to the sections of interest. Even if you think a section does not apply to you (maybe because you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, are of the wrong gender, are married, have been castrated, or are dead), read it anyway, because the more people that read it, the more likely that it will be linked to on various websites, and thus get a high Google ranking, which next to achieving love, is the most important task for a human being.
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Puberty: Your biggest mistake
Puberty: this is the first step in the love process, and it is the most resisted step, and rightly so. Before puberty, the individual is perfectly happy thing that boys/girls are gross (depending on the gender of the individual). Those are good thoughts to maintain, as boys/girls are, in fact, gross (if you don't believe me, take a biology class with a dissection lab, or watch a Discovery Channel documentation of open heart surgery). Puberty should thus be resisted.
The best method of resistance is denial. Continue to deny the fact that you've gone through puberty until you are 60 years old, and all the puberty-caused changes have been nullified. Another method of resistance is to mock those actively going through puberty. For men, whenever a young man's voice cracks, you should repeat his last sentence 2 or 3 things, exagerating the vocal crack to an extreme degree. If you are unable to mimmick the crack with your own vocal chords, you should carry a 72 RPM record player with you are all times, with an old Peter, Paul and Mary record, and when you get to the part of the sentence where the young man's voice cracked, turn the record player up full blast and slide the neddle back and forth across the record. Women, you task is more fun. Whenever a young women goes out to buy a new bra of a new size, you should do the following. Take the most elastic bra you can find, and take two paint balls, and then form a sling-shot from the bra. Use the sling-shot-bra to flight the paintballs at the young women who is going out to buy a new bra. These actions will cause these young people to generate anti-puberty hormones.
However, you must be able to take advantage of these hormones yourself, or your efforts would only be in vain. Thus, invite the person you harrassed out to dinner. As soon as both of you have your plates in front of you, snatch his/her plate from him/her and eat everything on it, and then, if you haven't already eaten your own food, offer your own food to him/her.
However, for some of you, this information comes too late. You have already gone through puberty. Cupid begs you to pass this information along to the younger generation, so as to scare them for life, so his (Cupid's) work load would be lighter. Seriously, he's pretty sick of matching up couples. But, that is his job, so in the following pages, he will reveal those secrets to you.
Attracting a woman
One of the most perplexing questions facing men (who have mistakenly gone through puberty) is: how do I attract women? The simple answer is this: it's not possible to attract women. Women are not attracted to men, and especially not to you (as I know exactly who you are, despite the fact that this is a static webpage)! However, Cupid told me not to tell you that, but to offer the following lies instead.
Looks:
Women require you to look as if you spend 10 hours per day in the gym, and every free moment in front of the mirror plucking extra hairs. However, they also require that you never go to the gym, and never spend a second in front of a mirror, as 100% of your time must be dedicated to them. There is only one solution: plastic surgery and lots of it. As with all life's problems, having a lot of money can make it better, and this is no exception. Michael Jackson is considered the sexiest man alive. While you are waiting for your plastic surgery, here are some more tips. If you have a beer gut, don't let it hang out the bottom of your shirt, as Cupid finds this gross and told me to tell you to stop doing it. Except for many rashes and occasional death due to internal consumption, deodorant never hurt anyone. Showering once per week also helps.
Sense of humor:
Women require that you be able to make her laugh when she wants to laugh, not only that, but you must be able to magically tell the second when she wants to laugh. There is a 5 minute period during each hour when she wants to laugh, and a 1 minute period during each ten minutes. She randomly decides the times at the beginning of each day. If you do not make her laugh during these times, she will stop talking to you and say that she thinks it's about time to go home. If you make her laugh outside of these times, she will say that you don't take life seriously.
Things/stuff/money:
The more the better. Steal if needed.
Personallity:
A woman wants a man who is both generous, but keeps enough to provide for her. Who is gentle but strong. Who is outgoing, yet reserved. Who is courageous but fearful. In other words, a woman is looking for a logical contradiction. Thankfully, for me, this is good. As a mathematician, I know many logical contradictions. So, to attract women, I will approach them, show them that I have a lot of money and many cars and an appointment with a plastic surgeon, and then pull out a pencil and paper, and prove to them, using a contradiction, that the squareroot of 2 must be an irrational number. Then I'll tell a joke saying that using similar logic, I can prove that women are irrational. They'll love me.
Attracting a man
While attracting a women is impossible, attracting a man is quite easy. However, as discussed, women are not attracted men, so they have no reason to attract men, except to play with them as a cat plays with a mouse. Cupid likes cats. So, Cupid told me to pass these tips along to you.
Looks:
You must be exactly 5' 8", 120 pounds, and have the breast size determined by the bra company that week (they determine the breast size by which size bras they have an overstock of). If you do not look exactly like this, you are ugly. Cupid, like Michael (the author of the rest of the site) tends to be quite sarcastic. Maybe that's why Michael and Cupid got along so well. Cupid would like to inform you that a) you will probably never look like the New York fassion models and b) you should be happy that fact 'a' is true, because men really aren't attracted to those models. Only women are attracted to these models, because the CEO's of fassion companies tells the women that if the women look like that, they can be like cats and men will be like mice. Cupid likes cats. The CEO's of fassion companies enjoy manipulating women, like cats playing with mice. Cupid hates cats.
Sense of Humor:
Your sense of humor must be 5' 8", 120 pounds, and... Ha ha. Got you! If your sense of humor is that overweight, no man will like you! Your sense of humor must lose 5 pounds in the next week. Here is the key to sense of humor: if the man is drooling, he's not listening to what you're saying. No sense of humor is required at those moments. You can use that time to do homework or call friends. If a man farts, the good things to do is fart back and laugh about it. That is a true sense of humor. That is all you need to know.
Things/stuff/money:
Make him pay for everything. Anything else would be unladylike. If he does not give you large quantities of things/stuff/money, start complaining, and tell him he is not fulfilling his duty to you. He, like all men, is stupid. He will do anything you say.
Personallity:
Your personality must be 5' 8", 120 pounds, and... Again I fooled you! Again, if the man is drooling, no personallity is required. You may go to sleep or make plans to become president of the USA. During the times the man is not drooling, you should constantly change your personallity, so as to confuse him. Since he is stupid and doesn't want to be confused, he will put himself into a constant state of drooling, and thus you will be able to continue with your life as normal.
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Relationship part 1: Approach
In the typical relationship, approach is the first step. Of course, I do not recommend a typical relationship. I advice that you start with death, move on to marriage, jump to approach, then dating, the marriage again, then approach again, that way by the time you come to the last approach, you will already know the person very well, and it won't be awkward.
However, I know no one here will follow my advice about the order, so Cupid told me how one should approach another following the rules of a typical relationship. There are two types of people in the world: extroverts, who don't need this advice, and introverts who won't listen to it because they are too nervous. Clearly this advice is utterly useless. Thankfully, the Internet is full of useless stuff (from a shop for hypo-allergenic steering wheel covers to international news), so I have no problem posting this advice none the less.
Traditionally, the man has to initiate the contact with the woman. This is still essentially true today (sorry introverted guys). It used to be that a relationship would start like this: Man: Um, yeah, um, hi, I have to go to the bathroom. (5 minutes later the man returns. His hand has a lot of scribbling on it).
Man: Um, hi, would you like to go with me to a box social?
Woman: Yes
Man: Will you marry me?
Woman: Yes
It used to be simple and clear like this. There was a clear definition to where the relationship began. This is no longer the case. First the man and woman must become friends through a long and grueling process. Once they have become friends, the man is insanely in love with the woman, and the woman has decided that a relationship would be a bad idea, because she doesn't want to ruin the friendship. Fortunantly, for the sake of continuation of the species, sometimes the woman can be tricked into thinking differently. A man cannot do this trickery himself as he is too dumb. He must instead rely on the woman's female friends. The woman's female friends think it is cute that the woman has a boyfriend, so they will be able to help you ("you" meaning the man, as the knowledge of the approach stage is not required if you are a woman).
After the woman's friends have had a talk with the woman, the woman will realize that she wants to be in a "special" relationship with you. She will invite you to have a "talk." Normally, talking time can be reserved for drooling, as described in the section about attracting men. However, this talk is actually different. Men, listen! You must actually pay attention during this talk. This talk will basically will be where you can finally admit that you are attracted to this woman.
At this point in the relationship you should hire a lawyer to write an agreement that you both sign that puts forward some stipulations about what should happen if the relationship terminates (one stipulation will be that the woman must explain to the man the meaning of the word "stipulation," as the woman's vocabulary is much larger than the man's). Once the lawyer is done writing the agreement, grab it from him and run out of his office without paying him. Now you and your partner can never split, because you have commited a crime together.
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Relationship part 2: Going steady
What does "going steady" really mean? I don't know, and neither does Cupid. However, Cupid insisted that I write something.
As far as Cupid and I could tell, "going steady" is the part of the relationship where each partner admits that the other partner is his/her girlfriend/boyfriend (depending on the gender of the partner). Here are some tips for those who are going steady.
Public Displays of Affection (PDA):
First, computer nerds, jokes comparing public displays of affection (PDA's) and personal digital assistants (PDA's) aren't funny. If you tell one of these to your girlfriend, she will give you any more PDA's and she will take your PDA and smash it (and you'll lose your high score in Pinball). If you and your significant other decide to make-out, please show some respect for the people around you. Many people don't mind watching people in movies kiss each other, but that's only because the people in the movies are professional kissers. You are not. If your poor kissing ability causes drool to run onto the public bench you are sitting on, please be so kind as to wipe it up. Also, if you are waiting in line and you start kissing and the line moves forward, please move forward with it.
It is important that you are able to openly admit your affection for your partner, however no one said that this has to be done by tasting the other member's lunch after he/she has eaten it. It is important to love your partner without hating your neighbor.
Doing stuff together:
Rule 34.5 c, section ii) of the Going Steady Code (part of the Geneva convention) says that if a man and a woman are going steady, they should go to the doctor to get surgery to become attached at the hip (so that the joke will be on people who try to make jokes about being attached at the hip). This probably won't happen. However, the message of the Going Steady Code still applies. You must do a lot of stuff together. This way you can fully upset each other before you get married, so that when you get married you'll be used to it. One important thing is eating together. This means you will no longer be able to grab a quick 2 minute lunch by taking food and tossing it in the microwave. Every meal must last a minimum of 2 hours. I, Michael, a great philosopher recently logically deducted the reason for meals being so important (it has to do with the German language and irregular verbs). Cupid, having lived in Germany, assures me that my deduction is correct. If you wish to read the deduction, please click here.
Talking:
Homer Simpson assures us that the problem with relationship is communication... Too much communication. He is correct. However, as we know all too well, American never listens to its television set, so people have continued to communicate in relationships. Since I can't say anything to stop this, I might as well give some advice for communicating. First, if you have cute names for each other (snuggle bun, honey lips, or compactor), please make sure that less than half your conversation consists of these words. This is NOT an example of a good conversation:
Man: Hey, snuggle bun
Woman: Oh, honey lips.
Man: Snuggle bun you're like a compactor, doll, or baby to me.
Also, don't talk about politics. If you agree on a topic, the conversation will consist mainly of "yeah! I know!" If you disagree, you'll just upset each other and no one will change their opinions.
The ultimate conversation is mathematics. People cannot disagree, and if both people at a point with they say "Yeah! I know!" they can move onto a topic where they can't say that. Therefore Cupid and I recommend that couples take math classes together.
Friends:
One thing that is confusing about Going Steady is what to do with regular friends. The appropriate thing to do is tell your partner that he/she may not spend time with his/her friends, but you must continue to hang out with your friends as normal. It is important that both partners do this. This is a long standing tradition, and who I am to speak out against such a stupid custom? One thing that modern philosophy demands is that there no such thing as truth, so therefore it is illogical for me to criticize such a stupid custom. I love modern philosophy (I love it, because hating it would be judgemental, and being judgemental indicates that there is such thing as truth).
age: 7/8
Relationship part 3: Marriage
Marriage is the most important part of the relationship. It's the part of the relationship where you realize that you don't have the energy to search for another partner, so you resign yourself to a single partner for life. Did I say "resign yourself"? Ooops my finger slipped and I am too lazy to hit backspace. Honestly, however, despite the negative view put on marriage by television, marriage should be a joyous and expensive occasion.
Proposing:
Again, men, it is your job to propose. There are many different ways to propose, and every women knows exactly how she wants you to propose to her. If you do not do it exactly in this manner, she will not agree to marry you, thus giving you a heart attack and killing you. Therefore, for the sake of your own life, you must find out how to propose. Thankfully, your girlfriend's female friends know all the details. If you follow the advised method for approach, you will already know the girl's friends. However, it won't be easy to extract this information from them. They think it is cute that this girl has a boyfriend, but it's not "cute" to be married. They know once she gets married she won't hang out with them any more. So, basically, to get this information you will have to buy it from them. Here is what you must do. Suppose your girlfriend's name is "Jen." First, buy a car and drive it to the house of one of Jen's friends (preferably when other friends are also there). Invite them for a ride in your new car. Let one of the friends drive and start this conversation: You: How does Jen want to be proposed to?
Friend: I can't tell you that.
You: Then I guess I'll have to donate this car to colon cancer research instead of giving it to you.
Friend: Sign the title over to me and I'll tell you.
In the mean time - waiting for the wedding:
During this time you must save money for the wedding. You must spend a whole year's wages in 45 minutes at the wedding. No one is quite sure where all the money goes, but this is a long-standing tradition and who are you to defy it? During this time you must also set a time and a place for the wedding, which should not only be convenient for your future wife, but also for your future wife's friends. The man should have no say in when and where it will be, because everyone knows that no matter when or where it is, the man spend the night before the wedding slouching on his couch in his messy apartment watching football or informercials.
The special day:
The woman will have spent the past 300 hours just getting dressed for this event. For the man it takes a total of 2 minutes - and even less if he forgets to put on deodorant. You should have already invited everyone you could think of. This includes your step-grandmother's ex-gardner who will insist on calling you "Bill and Beth" no matter what your actual names are. You should also make sure that parking spaces are not clearly labeled, so that when your guests park they will get tickets then forward the tickets to you. This will make you even more broke. Being broke builds character. I was going to write a complete guide for how to run your wedding, but it turns out there are many great books and magazines on the topic, and if I wrote a guide here with the help of Cupid then I would drive all those companies out of business, and the DOJ would come after me because I am a monopoly and they would force me to remove Internet Explorer from my product, because, due to the environmentalist, the DOJ is now required to recycle past decisions.
Page: 8/8
Relationship part 4: Divorce or death
All things must come to an end. This includes your relationship. There are two options for terminating your relationship. These methods are explained to you by the minister during your marriage ceremony.
Minister: "Do you
So, the options are death (section 385 of the US penal code) or divorce (section 384). However, Congress recently decided that death is not enjoyable, so they are considering outlawing death, making divorce the only legal way out of a relationship.
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